August 31, 2011 FOR GIRLS ONLY. I MEAN IT. SERIOUSLY. ONLY FOR GIRLS.

Fact: I am 54 years old. FIFTY FRICKIN' YEARS OLD.

Fact: I been having periods for more years than I care to remember. Had I realized this fact AND had any disposable income when I was 12, I would have bought stock in Kotex.

Fact: My periods were always regular, ever;y 28 days AND on every anniversary and every, single out of town trip, I was having a period, regardless of the amount of day counting or pre-planning. I was just special that way!

Fact: On November 18, 1981, I was done having babies. Completely done. No more babies. All done. Thankyouverymuch.

Fact: I have not had a period for the last six months. That's right. The last SIX months. Could it be? Is it possible? Was I finally, finally done with this bullshit?


Fact: No. It was not possible. I was not done with this bullshit. At. All.

Fact: I have, for the past 2 days, been experiencing the mother of all periods. In fact, I checked behind me as I walked to my car tonight after work to make sure that my uterus was not dragging on the ground behind me.

Fact: It wasn't.

Fact: Just thought you'd like to know.

Fact: You're welcome.

Augsut 30, 2011 Playing School for Real

Back in the olden days, I used to play school all the time. I had pretend students and I'd teach them everything I knew -which back then, didn't take all that long.

Christmas and birthday gifts were often teacher supplies: red pens, a big blackboard, grade books, etc.

I loved to play school. I was going to be a teacher.

We all know what happened to that "dream".... I went to law school instead!

I have looked for ways to continue being a teacher. I subbed for a number of years while I was part time in the county attorney's office, for example.

Several years ago, I was hired as a adjunct professor at Highland Community College - Wamego Campus - to teach American Government and Criminal Law.

I love it! LOVE IT!

It's just like playing school only there are real people. And my classroom and bedroom are not the same place.

August 29, 2011 Sunflowers

I was born in Kansas, I was bred in Kansas

and when I get married, I'll be wed in Kansas.

There's a true blue gal who promised she would wait

She's my sunflower from the Sunflower State.

Troubles end in Kansas, folks unbend in Kansas

Everyone you'll meet will be your friend in Kansas.

And they'll all be there to help me celebrate

With my sunflower from the Sunflower State.

P.S. I love Kansas in the fall and I have, for the record, decreed that fall has arrived.

August 28, 2011 Cleaning for Company

The Barnes are coming for Labor Day weekend. We haven't seen them since February so we have a lot of catching up to do.

Although they are family, they are still classified as "company" which requires, by definition, a certain level of pre-visit cleaning.

You know how when you clean for company, you clean things that usually you just ignore? Like those black finger prints on the front door (check), the table cloths on the bedside tables (check) and the tv remotes (check).

I must confess that I have (HAD) the dirtiest tv remotes in the entire universe. The. Entire. Universe.

Since companies a'comin', I had to figure out a way to clean them.

Without the assistance of the internet, I decided to use Qtips and rubbing alcohol (thanks, Luke, for the Qtips) to clean those babies up.

These are the Qtips from ONE remote. ONE of them.

YUCK!

Can I explain? This mess was from the remote in the kitchen. Keep in mind that I am a full contact cook so there are times when I have to touch the remote with dirty hands. I can' be bothered to wash my hands before changing the channel or adjusting the volume, can I? I should say not.

I certainly hope that when Roger and Karin arrive they will comment on the cleanliness of the tv remotes. They'll have clean sheets and towels, so it's not like they'll be on the lookout for anything clean, I just hope they notice the remotes.

Stay tuned. (oh, that's very nearly a pun!!!)

August 27, 2011 New "Kids"

This year, I am a mentor to 3 freshmen at Kansas State. Two of them, Nicki and Haley, came over for supper tonight. (The third one lives at home in Clay Center. She was invited but didn't want to drive all the way to Wamego for dinner. She's clearly never eaten at my table, has she?)

Nicki is from the Chicago area and tomorrow is her 18th birthday. It wouldn't be a birthday without a cake and candles, would it?
I made whole barbecued chickens on the grill. I've never done that before but they were really easy and tasted really good. I just put them on the grill with indirect heat for 2 hours. Then I brushed them with BBQ sauce for about 15 additional minutes. Yummy.

The girls left in time to get back to Manhattan before dark - and it's their first weekend at college, so there are things to do, people to see.

My mom joined us for the evening which was fun. She is always good for a couple of laughs and tonight was no exception.

Laugh #1: She says there is a frog in her house. Seriously. She saw it in the corner and put a basket over it and a bottle of mouthwash on top of the basket. But, she said she was tired, so she left the actual frog disposal until morning. When morning came, she scooted the basket to the front door. Imagine this: my 82 year old mother holding the storm door open, grabbing the basket and tossing it onto the front porch. But, wait! What's this? There is no frog? NO FROG? WTF? Where is the damn frog? The frog is gone. It is still in her house. She swears. I think she's gone around the bend.

Laugh #2: For some reason, she started talking about gangs when she was a kid. Keep in mind that when she was a kid it was in the 30s and "gang" maybe didn't mean exactly what it means today. I asked her if she was in a gang, knowing that the answer had to be no. This is my mom we're talking about her. Well, little did I know.....in high school she was a member of the Dainty Dozen "gang". The Dainty Dozen hung with 12 guys who were known as the Dirty Dozen.

My mother. A gang member. Of a gang with the word "dainty" in the title. Oh. My. God.

We didn't even ask what kind of gang activities they engaged in. Just learning of my mothers' sordid past was enough for one night.

Laugh #3: When she got ready to leave, I was making fun of her "monkey purse". Many, many years ago, Mom got this little change purse as a gag gift. It was clear it was a joke. But, the joke was on me, because she has used it ever since!

Tonight she had it on her arm and I said "Queen Elizabeth, whacha got in your purse there, the keys to the castle?" She opened it up and pulled out her "wallet": her driver's license and about 5 credit cards held together with a rubber band! That did me in.

Clearly, Luke is wondering what his grandmother is going to say or do next.

Aren't we all.

Stay tuned for the next chapter of "There's a Frog in My House that a Basket Can't Hold".

August 26, 2011 Before We Get a New Yard....

..we have to kill the old one.

You may not know this, but last fall we had a new yard put in. Crabgrass had defeated the "real" grass and I was pissed every time I looked at the mass of weeds CB was watering and mowing on a regular basis.

A local landscape company came and killed the weeds/yard. Once it was D E A D, they dug it up and planted new grass.

We watered and watered and pretty soon up came the most beautiful green grass. It was like green velvet. I didn't want anyone to walk on it. I told CB to figure out a way to mow it without touching it.

But. Then. There. Was. A. Problem.

We discovered that the grass seed had been contaminated with some kind of weed. YIKES! And the weed was throughout the yard, not just in one or two places. It looked bad.

When I called the landscape company they said that they'd replace the yard at no charge. YAHOO!!! But, they have to kill the weeds/yard before they can dig it up and replant grass.

Killing the grass isn't such a tough job this go around because we haven't watered since we learned we were getting a new lawn. Our yard was approaching death by drought. If our lawn had been on life support, we would have pulled the plug about 2 months ago.

Oh, and if the past predicts the future: about a week after reseeding the lawn the first time, it rained about 10 inches in 27 minutes.

So, when our lawn is in, don't go anywhere without your umbrella.

August 25, 2011 KSU Delta Sigs

This evening I was honored to be a guest at the Delta Sig house. The new members wanted me to talk about their legal rights and how to stay out of my office!

I love the Delta Sigs!

And, if CB is ever hit by a bus, I'll be their house mom. Hopefully, they will not do a background check or ask for references.

Can't you just imagine me as a house mom? It. Would. Be. A. Hoot.

CB better look both ways before he crosses the street.